This is never a
new topic; my attention was called to this again in a whatsapp group I belong.
Of course it’s an Islamic group. As Muslims we see ourselves as one big family and
the notion that; why should sister A still remain single when brother B, C and
D is available and ready to marry and vice versa.
When this
discussion comes up, we all have something to say from general view but most
especially from hardened sentiment. I will outline many of the common points
majority feel justify to defend and share my takes on each of them.
Ladies are
always at the disadvantage most of the time because society believes 95% ladies
prefer a ready made guy who is financially buoyant to take care of her, even
though they might be living in penury in their house. Interestingly, it is one
of Allah’s injunctions we accepted wholeheartedly without questioning unlike that
of a man marrying more than one wife. This is what led my wife to write an
article on this titled: Marriage is not a poverty alleviation program. I am
asking you, is it?
Just as society
have that general view about the ladies; guys too are not left out. They are
equally looking for a ready made girl almost perfect in character and up to the
task in house keeping. Not only that, both parties check the physical
appearance not excluding compatibility in terms of exposure, education and may
more.
My take on this
is simple, no one is to be blame, not checking those things could be disastrous
sometimes, but before you conclude, let me remind you about a Yoruba Adage that
says; “It is better to have a bad spouse than to have a bad in-law”. This is in
line with what Islam thought us; we may look at beauty, family background, wealth
and religion when choosing spouse but the best among them all is religion.
While the Yoruba does not include consideration for religion, next to it from
Islamic perspective is family background.
That aside, an
open mind with the intention of sustaining or assisting your spouse is what will
makes the best of relationship.
As for the
ladies; there is nothing wrong with searching for a man financially capable of
taking care of you, but relationship is more sweeter if both of you join hand
to build a brighter future. If you are fortunate to fetch out the one his
future is here, what is the assurance it will last forever. Can you guarantee
that? In that case, even if you are fortunate to have one, do you have sustainability
goals to become an asset?
Think about that,
if not, the relationship might not be a paradise you envision just because
money is involved. Come to think of it, if that is what you are searching for,
why waste those years in schools when you cannot sustain yourself or be of help
in developing the future with a man using those qualification and knowledge.
To drive home
my point, let me share a serious discussion on this that happens between me and
my wife. Of course she have a Bsc Qualification like I do, the points I made
that day that end the discussion was that; after all, we both have same qualification,
although, in different profession; then, go ahead to make money with it and keep
all to yourself, just stop victimizing me on not having enough for the family.
I am not happy
for not up to the task then and I am not using that argument or points to
protect myself but to make her understand that we found ourselves in the same
circumstances, so, how am I to be blame and she is justified. That is the
platform the western education; western life we are proud of; created.
Back to the
guys; there is no one that will truly choose better over the best, but while we
are searching for perfect ladies out there; to some extent, it’s an illusion. I
am not disputing we have the ones that are well trained to be the best
companion, but, are you prepare to be the best for her as well. Hopefully, if
you are fortunate to get one, can you keep her on track? Will you keep
motivating and inspiring her to be the best you found rather than taking
advantages of her humble attitude.
On a more
serious note, our leadership more than our money matter most to be the man. I
have never for ones allowed my financial situation affected my decision to the
extent of loosing my authority for long but temporarily on minor issue because
I belief in my ability and the future.
Allah says in
Q3:34
“Men
are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one
more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.
Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the
husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose
part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse
to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to
obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High,
great (above you all).”
We both have something to take home in this verse, but guys should
take note of what Allah called them to their women and that they must learn how
to admonish their wives.
No lady will like to marry any man they cannot feel protected being
with. If you are not confident of myou are, how do you expect a lady to say
yes to your proposal of being with you for life? Action speaks better than
words, what we have within us speaks louder than what we utter. While many ladies
look out for financial buoyancy of a man, they would have say yes to that guy
with intellectuals and charisma before they realized they make mistake as they
use to say despite the that fact that the future is brighter.
Ladies, why crying in silence for not having the right suitor to become
husband. Don’t forget the ball is always in your court. Can you remember how
many proposals you rejected onsite without previous knowledge of the suitor or
any consideration to do so just because you cannot found at a glance those
qualities you expect from your so called ideal man.
If money is your own yardstick and let me assume your family is
financially buoyant today, have you ever ask your parents what the beginning
look like and if otherwise, have you research from those your rich neighbours
and or family friends what the beginning look like. In most cases the beginning
is slightly rough and tough.
. . . to be continued
. . . to be continued
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